


Shutters and Shudders

by Elli0t



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Angst, Bullying, FTM Dave, FTM Dave Strider, Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Getting Together, Internalized Transphobia, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Photographer Dave, Photography, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slurs, Trans Dave, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transstuck, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-04-12 21:33:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4495506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elli0t/pseuds/Elli0t
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moment you put down your camera after photographing that blue-eyed stranger, you knew you were in trouble. </p><p>A Summer Camp AU in which ftm Dave meets a certain John Egbert, whom he will be sharing a bed with for the entire week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TITLE EDIT: The title has changed from "Warm Feet" to "Shutters and Shudders"
> 
> Tags and ratings are subject to change as new chapters are posted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I set up most of the characters you'll be seeing throughout the rest of the fic. Translations are available at the end of the chapter, but aren't very vital to the story.  
> (Note: This chapter contains one mention of the T-slur.)

When Bro first mentioned summer camp, you were completely against it. There is no way you’re going to be stuck in the middle of nowhere making potholders and goddamn friendship bracelets while you sweat your balls off. And even if you liked that kind of thing, you won't be able to talk to your two best friends all week. Rose and Jade have been the favorite part of your day for almost two years. It's like unplugging your life support and expecting you to do jumping jacks. And your brother is expecting you to drop them for seven days and seven nights. The truth is, he is going to be out on a business trip and doesn't want to leave you alone. It’s been proven that while you like being alone, you’re not so good when you feel lonely.

Of course, the solution to this is to send you to a friendship-building camp with all the other socially awkward fuck-ups. What could go wrong?

You're sort of stuck in a strange place because you grew up with female socialization and don't really know how to get along with guys that well. After you came out, any friends you had had distanced themselves. It's not cool to be friends with the weird transgender kid in Texas. The only significant male person in your life is Bro. 

You stood in the mirror for nearly an hour when your first binder arrived in the mail. It's gray material contrasted greatly with your pasty freckled skin. Luckily, you were born with a relatively androgynous face. Take away your tits and boom it's almost like you were born with a dick. 

The night before departure day, you didn’t pack anything. It still seems like a big joke that Bro would pull out on in the last moment. But sure enough, you wake up due to the heavy pounding on your door, and the joke begins to lose it's humor. Two duffel bags full of your stuff are placed at the foot of your bed. You groan and pull the blankets back over your eyes. There's no way you're going to get out of this one. After sitting there for a moment, you let out a sigh of defeat.

Bro already packed everything. All you have to do is get dressed and grab your camera along with a few rolls of film before you're out the door. He's waiting for you in the truck by the time you grab a granola bar and lace up your Chucks. You slam the car door just to piss him off and throw a shaded roll of the eyes in his direction. He glances back at you and smirks.

"Oh come on, it's just for a week."

You throw your duffel into the back seat and huff, crossing your arms. "Would've been nice if I've had a choice."

"What's the fun in that? Maybe you can 'rise out of the ashes' and transform into a bird. Like the ones in your room. Except maybe not dead." He backs out and you both begin the journey to Camp Phoenix.

Upon arriving, small pods of people have already started to form. It's almost the same thing as watching March of the Penguins but with sweaty teenagers. Bro fist bumps you and speeds off once you're in the grass, making more noise than is necessary.

Just as you feared, a perky camp counselor notices your arrival and walks over to you beaming. Her smile actually seems genuine as she gets closer and consults her clipboard.

"Hey! I'm Lola. You must be Dave Strider?"

You adjust the grip on your bag and subconsciously lower your voice before speaking. "You know it, the one and only."

Lola marks your name off the clipboard and chuckles a bit. "I could've spotted a Strider from a mile away," she gestures to a growing pile of suitcases behind her, "you can leave your stuff over there. Then, just follow those kids to the dining hall for some breakfast and rules. Nice to meet you, plan on having an _awesome_ time this week!" And just like that, she's off greeting another incoming camper.

You definitely take your time making your way over to the flagpole in which all the bags are situated around. As you scope everyone out, it is clear as your shades are smudged and need to be wiped on your shirt for the umpteenth time that cliques are already forming. You better kick it into high gear if you’re going to have anyone to talk to.

Two people checking out each other’s cameras catch your eye and you step over to see what they’ve got. 

Raising your hand in greeting, you attempt to ooze confidence. “Hey, name’s Dave. Saw you comparing cameras and thought I might join in.” At this you raised yours up in acknowledgment. 

The short pale boy holding a Leica T switches the camera to his left hand and reaches out to give you a handshake. His grip is firm and professional. “Hallo, nice to meet you. I’m Kolt,” He points to the other person who seems old enough to be a counselor. “This is Willow.” The way he pronounces his ‘w’s leads you to believe he might be visiting from another country. Cool. Maybe he can get you out of conservative south Texas. 

Willow gives you a wave and sweet smile. She gestures to your torso. “Nikon?”

You shrug off your camera strap and hold it out to her. “Film, 35mm, F3. You?”

Trading, she hands you her D5300 Nikon. “Digital, 24.2 megapixels, built-in wifi.” 

Your eyebrows raise in approval. “Damn girl, I’m impressed.” She shoots you an appreciative glance.

Kolt looks up at Willow then to you, “I didn’t know anyone our age still shot film, how do you develop it?”

“I’ve got my own dark room at home, it’s kinda shitty but I make do.” After a little fiddling with the D5300, you hand it back.

A shrill bell rings for a few long seconds. Willow looks around at everyone still outside and turns back to look down at you both. “That's breakfast.”

Kolt straightens himself out and starts heading towards the cafeteria. “Thank goodness for that. I have hunger.”

Willow follows after him and giggles, her long blonde hair flowing behind her. “Don’t plan on eating for a while. We still have to spell out the rules and get to know everybody.”

You groan. “Please tell me no huge circles of people will be involved. I’m allergic to those.”

“Hope you brought your epi-pen.”

 

 

 

* * *

The cafeteria is buzzing with indistinct chatter by the time you arrive. Countless pods of about four people are scattered all over; sitting on the floor and the tables. Only a few are situated in actual seats. A collection of older teenagers are standing at the front of the room in a makeshift stage area. They're all wearing the same yellow shirt that you now realize Willow is wearing as well. She jogs up to join them after giving you a smile and a wave. Kolt motions you to a nearby table. 

"There are so many people here, know you anyone?" He starts scanning the busy room absentmindedly.

“Nah, my brother only sent me here so that I wouldn’t blow up the apartment.”

Kolt smiles politely; as he opens his mouth to reply, his eyes widen and his posture straightens out. Darting from you back to whatever is two feet to your left, his eyes blink rapidly. 

Curious as to what could have gotten your new acquaintance so riled up, you turn around. A slender girl with bright piercing eyes and curls looser than a thrift store turtleneck is speed walking towards your table. Her smile is wide and contrasts with her smooth brown skin. 

As she gets closer, she breaks into a run and yells "Donnerwetter! Bist du das?!" Her speed is stopped when Kolt stands up and they rush into each other's arms like a pair of friendly battering rams. Both grip tight to each other for a few seconds and say words that you don't quite catch. Trying not to stare at them like a creep, you look around the room that the pair seems to have forgotten exists. 

Kolt turns to you with his arm around the taller girl and a huge grin plastered on his face. "Das ist," he clears his throat, "This is my best friend from childhood."

She's wearing the same smile as Kolt and waves enthusiastically at you. "I'm Jaya," she moves the hair out of her eyes before reaching a hand out.

You supply your usual 'sup' nod and shake her hand. "I'm Dave. Funny how Kolt was just asking me if I knew anyone and then you show up."

They both smile and look at each other before breaking into a fit of giggles. The short boy recovers from his bout of laughter and whispers under his breath "Unglaublich," then turns to you. "Dave? Let's meet after breakfast. I want to catch up with Jaya."

"Oh yeah sure, go have fun you guys." You smile quickly and turn back to face the now empty table. 

"Danke!" Kolt says to your back before leaving with his newfound friend. 

Slouching in your seat, you notice that the buzz has died down slightly, as more people are beginning to find places to sit. Hardly an hour after arriving and you've already been ditched by the only people you've talked to. Typical. 

Your thoughts are interrupted by someone lightly tapping on the microphone in the front. A cheery voice replaces it. "Hey guys! If you don't already know me, my name is Lola and I'm the Youth Supervisor here at Camp Phoenix. My job is to make sure that everyone is safe and feels comfortable while having fun! Now before we can start eating, we have to go over the rules. Rule one: Never-"

You block out the rest of whatever Lola is saying. By the looks of it, you aren't the only one. You start scoping out the place for an interesting picture but don't find much. The low ceiling and concrete floor are just about as inspiring as a blank wall. While scanning the group of counselors standing behind Lola, you make eye contact with Willow. You hold up your camera and ask with your eyebrows if you could take her picture. She nods and pulls at her cheeks with her long fingers, scrunching up her eyes. You fiddle with the aperture and focus before 'click'. She moves her attention back to Lola but gives you a discreet thumbs up.

Following the moment you set your camera down, you feel eyes boring into the side of your face. Against your better judgement you look to where it was coming from. You're met with a pair of excited blue eyes that are hiding behind a mop of black hair only two tables away. Your stomach performs an ollie. The boy in question flicks those blue beauties down to your camera then back to you. You point down to it, then to him. He nods and flashes you with what you now see are slightly bucked teeth. You lift it up and start focusing your lens. Through it, he's half smiling and holding up a peace sign. Of course, what did you expect from someone who looks like such a nerd? 'Click'. 

By now, Lola seems to be getting to the end of her speech. You guess that only a third of the room is listening at this point. Even with her microphone Lola is having a difficult time hearing herself over all the side conversations happening in front of her. 

"And remember! The goal of this week is to have fun!! Make sure to eat a good breakfast so you'll be ready for all the great activities we have planned later!" 

As soon as she finishes talking the blue eyed kid is rushing over to you. "Can I see the picture you took of me?" Oh jeez. Despite hardly shooting many people, it's always disheartening to have to inform someone that they might not ever see the photograph you just took. 

"Sorry man, this is film. The soonest you'll be able to see it is a little over a week." 

He deflates like a leaking balloon at the sound of that and looks at his feet, "Oh, sorry. I'll see you around?"

"It's no problem, and yeah. See you round." 

The boy turns around to walk away and you curse yourself mentally for not getting his name. Breakfast goes by uneventfully as you munch on subpar scrambled eggs. Everyone is so caught up in the friends they made that morning that no one bothers you. Whatever, you're used to it. Honestly you're surprised that no one has misgendered you yet. It's hard to gauge how well you pass when hardly anyone at school acknowledges that you came out.

Lola gets back on the microphone and announces that everyone needs to get into a 'HUUUGE' circle. Your stomach drops. Oh god, Willow wasn't kidding. Counselors start pushing the tables against the back wall and a majority of the campers follow suit. Slowly the circle begins to form, it's lumpy at first but Lola adjusts it accordingly. 

Someone you don't recognize cups their hands around their mouth and starts yelling. "Everyone! We're gonna go around starting at my left and state our name, pronouns, age and an interesting fact." 

 **What?** Did you just somehow miraculously teleport into somewhere much more liberal than Bumfuck, Texas? You're reminded of where you actually are when a girl wearing a koala shirt raises her hand but begins talking before being acknowledged. 

"Uh, can you inform me what the point of that is? It's completely obvious what pronouns people use. It's not like we have any trannies here." She gets this self-satisfied grin on her face when the smatter of people around her laugh. Anger boils up in you more violently than a forgotten pot of spaghetti cooking on high. 

Willow steps in before anyone else gets the chance, her anger matching your own. "It's not always obvious what gender someone is by how they look. Camp Phoenix will not tolerate discrimination of any sort. That includes gender discrimination," her voice grows louder and makes your ears prick up, "If you're not okay with that, we can call your parents and have you explain to them why you got kicked out." Even from the opposite side of the circle, Willow's presence towers over koala-girl's. She shrinks back with apologetic eyes and says no more, clearly intimidated. 

The silence suffocates the room and an air of awkwardness permeates to your very core. No one dares to make more noise than is needed to turn to their newfound friends with wide eyes. 

Lola claps her hands and you audibly gasp. The tension in the room thins out as she begins talking. "Alright! I'll go first! My name is Lola, I use she/her pronouns and I'm 19. Something interesting about me is that I make friends easily!" 

The camper next to her hesitates for a moment before almost shouting out their information. The transition from person to person is interrupted a few times as people realize they weren't paying attention a little too late. Once the circle rolls around to you, and you've practiced what you're going to say a few hundred times, you're ready. 

"I'm Dave, he/him, 16, and I like photography." You do your best to smooth out the shakes in your voice and lower it as much as possible without making it noticeable. Thank god everyone is probably too engrossed in themselves to pay much attention to you. You considered bringing up your collection of dead things, before you remembered that that is something that will make it easier for people to label you as freaky. Sticking to something safer was the better option. 

The rest of the circle goes by without many hiccups. You actually zone out a few times and damn, you missed the black haired boy's name.

Someone announces an icebreaker in which everyone goes around and talks to as many people as they can. The orderly circle morphs into a busy bee hive. Mostly, you just let people come to you and wander around. It's not like you want to be here anyway.

A loud whistle followed by a counselor's voice guides everyone outside to a dirt pit. The rules of tug of war are explained and eager campers line up on either sides of the sturdy rope. The hour goes by with shouts of success and defeat. You aren't really paying attention. Instead, you look around for interesting pictures, framing the images in your mind. Before you know it, another whistle brings you back to reality. 

"For the next couple hours, we're all going to go on a nature hike in the woods," they explain, "Find a buddy or two and stay with them until lunch time. Don't wander off the path," they wink, "Or a bear might eat you!"

At that, everyone frantically scatters around, attempting to partner up. Your eyes go wide as you realize there's no one for you to turn to. Jaya and Kolt are holding hands to your right. To your left, Willow is smiling down at a nervous 13 year old in a good-natured fashion. Running your hand through your hair a few times, you attempt to find someone you can relate to. Fuck, almost everyone is already matched up. What kind of hell is this? 

 You're about to officially Flip Your Shit when a girl you hadn't noticed before steps over. 

"Uh, hi. I can't find a partner either... wanna team up for now?" She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. 

Might as well. "Sure, why not?" 

A group of counselors lead the way into the forest. You wordlessly walk next to the girl. She sort of reminded you of Jade. Well, at least appearance-wise; Jade was much more confident and outgoing. The one you know would have jumped over to whomever she thought looked the most fun and announced exactly what she was thinking. You smile at the thought of her, this experience would be much more bearable at her side.

The both of you walk slower than the rest of the group and fall behind within a couple minutes. After a few more moments, your partner coughs into the crook of her arm. 

"So um... I'm gonna go back to camp. You'll be alright?" She stops walking and turns backward, her eyes still on you. 

You nod, continuing on your way as she goes hers. You contemplate wandering off the path, specifically as you were told not to do. Before your foot can crunch the year-old fallen leaves, something catches your eye. Something with dark skin and deep blue eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations
> 
> Note: German is not my native language so if you see something that I messed up, please tell me!
> 
> "Donnerwetter": can mean 'Well I'll be damned.'
> 
> "Bist du das?": Is that you?
> 
> "Unglaublich": Incredible, unbelievable, outrageous 
> 
> "Danke": thank you


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What?" you whisper back. He looks you straight in the shades, probably attempting to see past them. He opens his mouth to say something before snapping it shut and grabbing your wrist, running further into the woods. His grip is strong and you have no choice but to follow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There's a short passing mention of bullying in this chapter. Dave has some internalized transphobia as well.

Peeking from behind the trunk of a tree, the person in question brings his finger up to his lips and makes a shushing noise. You take a step back in surprise, before realizing it was the boy you photographed earlier. His hair seems especially messy compared to before, and there is a dirt smudge on his cheek. What is he doing?

The boy gestures you to come closer. Hesitantly, you tiptoe over to the tree as quietly as possible. Once you're close enough, he pulls your arm towards him and whispers into your ear with hot breath that evaporates the air in your lungs.

"You need to be quiet or I'll lose!" His hushed enthusiasm carries a tone of urgency.

"What?" you whisper back. He looks you straight in the shades, probably attempting to see past them. He opens his mouth to say something before snapping it shut and grabbing your wrist, running further into the woods. His grip is strong and you have no choice but to follow him.

Oh fuck, you did not anticipate running when you put on your binder this morning. Is this kid trying to kill you? Luckily, your short run lasts approximately 30 seconds. Your captor stops behind another thick tree trunk, letting go of your wrist.

After catching your breath, you stare at the other from between the gap of your shades. "What the hell are you doing?" Your bluntness didn't seem to phase him.

"Playing hide and seek, of course! A bunch of guys from my group planned a game with a couple girls during breakfast. Want to team up with me?" He ends his spiel with a bright smile and a wink that you almost miss.

Fuck this guy. Fuck this cute boy that pulled you into the woods after him without even a hello or an introduction. And fuck him for wearing that dumb worn-out E.T. shirt. You cross your arms over your chest and try not to make eye contact.

"Will I have to run a lot?" You silently curse yourself for even entertaining the idea, knowing that this boy will no doubt be trouble for someone like you.

He tosses your words around in his brain for a few moments. "Hmmmmm... nope! Do you have asthma?"

You wish. "Yeah, something like that." Your voices have raised from whispers to normal speaking levels.

A wave of guilt washes over you as the boy covers his mouth with his hands. "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have dragged you along like that."

You wave off his apology, "It's no big deal. Don't worry about it."

"Okay..." A few seconds later he gasps and pulls you by your shoulders to the other side of the trunk. He's behind you, his fingers pressing into your trapezii. He's so close you can practically feel his on-edge breathing with your back. In this position, it's apparent how much taller he is than you. His big lanky build towers over your short lithe one. Another whisper of 'stay quiet' leaves a chill down your neck.

The moment drags on, and you're about to ask if you can breathe yet when he relaxes and steps back. You turn around to face him. His nervous laughter pierces the background noise of the forest.

"Sorry, thought I heard someone coming. I'm really good at this game and refuse to let my reputation be tarnished!" It's at this point you remember again that you STILL don't know this guy's name. You also remember that it's paramount you get rid of that little flutter in your stomach, before you end up getting beat up on the bathroom floor again. You won't allow yourself to be interested in him. It's better to play it safe and just stay far away.

There's a whole measure of silence before the other boy points to your camera. "Would it be okay if I took a picture of you? I've heard not many photographers have pictures of themselves, they're always capturing everyone else instead."

You pick at your camera strap, thinking over his words; knowing that if you let yourself get any deeper, you would most definitely regret it.

"...It's fine if you don't want me to, I bet that thing costs a fortune. I've just never used a film camera before." He scratches the back of his neck and looks down at you sheepishly.

To be honest, you had gotten this camera for dirt cheap compared to it's retail price off amazon. It was a little beat up and not everything worked. Yet, you still would take a bullet for it. Sighing inwardly, you unhook the strap from your neck to show the boy how to use the camera. He steps a little too close for your gay fuckin' heart to handle, looming over your shoulder.

"-and after that, it's loaded and ready to go so you just push that button right there to take the picture. Make sure you hold it still until you hear two clicks or the picture will be all blurry. That thing on the lens is how you focus the picture, try to make it as clear as possible. Oh, and," you place the strap around his neck, with a little bit of difficulty, "don't drop it."

He blinked a few times and nods his head. "Okay, got it. Stand over there," he points to a clearing a few feet away. You obediently stride over and stand there, not knowing how to hold yourself. It's not often that you're on the other side of the lens. He holds the camera up to his glasses. "Are you just going to stand there like a nerd?"

"Would this be better?" You jokingly strike a stupid pose, hand on your hip and other arm high in the air, wrist bent. You only hold it for a few seconds but the dorky guy's reflexes are faster than yours and you hear the shutter click. Oh no. His laugh bubbles through the air and you feel a slight blush rise to your face.

"Okay," he loads the camera, "let's try that one more time."

How are you supposed to pose? Most shots you took of people are candids, not manipulated situations.

The other boy must have felt your uncertainty, "How about you run your fingers through your hair? I saw you doing that earlier and it looked sorta ho-" The words tumble out quickly as if he doesn't realize he's saying them until he can't take them back.

This silence lasts at least two measures.

You both try to speak the same time, essentially cutting each other off. Nervously, you push back your hair with your hand, looking off to the side and trying to emulate what he had caught you doing. Why had he been watching you like that? The shutter clicks, and the air is heavy with questions you can't find yourself brave enough to ask.

He tries first, "Uh, do you know which cabin you're in?"

"No? Am I supposed to know?"

More nervous laughter. "I'm not sure, I was just looking for something to say." He unhooks the camera and walks over to you, holding it out.

You grab it from him, one of your fingers accidentally brushing over his because the universe hates you.

"I'm kinda surprised no one has found us yet... how big are these woods?" You muse out loud, hoping to distract him from the situation. 

He seems taken aback for a second, "geez I'm not sure. Maybe they've all given up and joined the counselors again. We were actually supposed to stay with them the whole time." 

"Oh." How long have you been out here? Hopefully no one was looking for you. 

"My cousin used to volunteer here a couple summers ago, he said there's this hidden area that's super beautiful. There's this little waterfall and the sun hits the water just right around this time of day. Want to try to find it?"

You've really got nothing else going on, and rebelling against the rules isn't anything new to you. Still, you're a little wary of going to an even more secluded area with this guy. You barely know him and what the fuck is his name anyway?? 

"On one condition." 

"Okay, what is it?"

"What the hell is your name? I missed it at the huge circle clusterfuck." By now you were just fed up. Even though the moment passed a long time ago, you are tired of referring to him as 'that boy/guy/kid' in your head. 

The nameless boy doubles over in laughter at your words. The sweet sound drags you down just a little bit further. 

"I've been trying to figure out when to ask this whole time! I missed yours too," he sticks out his hand, "I'm John Egbert." 

You mouth 'John' silently before offering your hand as well, "Dave Strider." 

He gapes at you, "Strider?? As in Dirk Strider!?"

Here we go again. If only John had just said his first name, then you wouldn't have had to offer your last one. Even though your older brother moved out a couple years ago, you have found that it's still difficult to escape his shadow. Every time Dirk is brought up, all everyone ever talks about is how awesome and accomplished he is, and why can't you be more like him? But how the hell did John Egbert know about him?

"...Yeah, he's my older brother. You know him?"

"My cousin dated him for a while, Jake always said really good things about him. That's crazy that we're like... related by boyfriends!!" 

That's not how that works at all. 

Wait a second. If John's cousin is gay then... the possibility of you ending up with broken ribs and a split lip lowers to nearly zero. He didn't have any malice in his voice, he actually seemed excited about it. 

"I'm pretty sure that's not how that works but-"

John cut you off without really realizing it, probably too caught up in his own thoughts. "Do you have a sister? One time Dirk mentioned his 'lil sis' but never said anything about having a younger brother..." 

Oh no, there is no way you're going to let John connect any pieces of any puzzle. 

"Uh yeah, she kinda got in a car accident a couple years ago and died." Fuck fuck fuck. Why the hell did you just say that? It's sort of true but, oh jesus christ you are fucking up. 

His face twisted into a sympathetic frown, "I'm sorry for your loss. Do you want to talk about it?" 

You definitely do not want to talk about your non-existent dead sister. "It's fine Egbert, no need to pity me. Now I can watch whatever I want on TV without her butting in and changing the channel." Hopefully slipping in some humor would let him know not to worry over you. Next time you need to watch your words before you make up another dead family member. 

John gives a short laugh at that, relieved of the fading tension. "So, how about that secret waterfall?"

Now that the chances of him hurting you are significantly lowered, you're almost  _excited_ to go. 

"Where is it?" 

John turns away from you and starts walking in that direction. "Somewhere over here I think. Jake showed me once. There's this HUGE," he spread his arms out, imitating the size, "rock that's right by it. So, watch out for that."

While John isn't looking at you, you take the time to pull down your binder. This new one is shorter than your last one and has a bad habit of riding up.

You envy the pace that John is able to go at without even thinking about it. A few times you ask him to slow down due to your 'asthma'. Jealousy boils up in you as you realize how much more you're sweating compared to the other boy. Your binder makes it difficult to run without becoming dizzy or overheated. Due to how inactive you are most times, it usually isn't a problem. Trying to keep up with Egbert makes it a problem. 

At one point he grabs your wrist again, and the contact clouds your thoughts more than you'd like to admit. 

"Okay, I think we're almost there!" Thank the lord. Fifteen minutes of nearly jogging has left you a little rough. 

You spot a rock in the distance, one that seems to be as 'HUGE' as John described. The wrist-holding has developed into more of a hand-holding. You attempt to brush that gesture off. Even if John isn't homophobic... well that doesn't mean he couldn't be disgusted if/when you show some signs of attraction. Even in the very unlikely situation that he is gay, there is an even _more_ unlikelychance that he would be interested in someone like you. And even if the gods above are shining on you at this moment, and John is bi or pan, that still doesn't mean he wouldn't be disgusted by someone like you hitting on him. Oh god, why did you get yourself in this mess? You briefly consider just running away. Despite that, you're still allowing Egbert to drag you closer to the hidden waterfall. 

Once you reach the rock, John turns around and tells you to cover your eyes. "No peeking!" You obediently cover both your eyes and allow him to lead you to the secret destination. About 30 footsteps later and John stops walking. You don't know why you suddenly trust him enough to not push you into the small pool you heard the water rushing into. Or even why you trust him in the first place.

You  _really_ don't know why you trust him when he gives you a little push that leaves you opening your eyes and having to catch yourself. You gasp and glare back at John. He's laughing and clutching one of his sides before pushing his glasses up. "Sorry! I couldn't resist."

Apparently you've befriended a prankster. Great. 

The sound of rushing water reminds you why you're here and you turn to follow the noise. A 15 foot waterfall cascades into the large pond in front of you. The water was pristine and you can see right down to the very bottom. The circle of trees that surrounded the clearing gave off a comforting vibe. Despite never having been here before, you feel at home. The sun that shone down into the water was no longer sweltering, instead it had morphed into a pleasant heat. 

After standing in awe for a while, you turn to John, "No one knows about this?"

"Maybe a few counselors, but Jake said they tried to keep it pretty secret." 

Scanning the sight in front of you once more, something catches your eye. Across the water is a hammock strung between two trunks, swinging slightly in the faint breeze.

You point to it, "What about that?" 

John gives the hammock a confused look, scratching his head. "That wasn't here last time I came."

He shrugs and smiles at you. "Care for a dip?"

Of course he wants to go swimming. Of course you pass well enough to John for him to think you're cis. Of course you want to. 

"No thanks, I'm not very fond of swimming." However, you do start to slip out of your socks and shoes, yearning to feel the warm dirt in between your toes.

John deems this unacceptable. "But Daaaaaaaave. Aren't you hot? It'll only be for a while and then we can go back to camp."

Right. You had entirely forgotten the reason you were out here alone with a strange boy on a hot summer day. You would kill to be able to shrug your shirt off as casually as John is right now. His slightly developed back muscles mock you with the way they shine with sweat in the sun. You thank every deity that you're wearing shades and can drink up his exposed body for as long as you want. It also helps that he's facing away from you. 

The urge to capture his figure on film is so overwhelming that you force yourself to set the camera behind you. After setting his dumb t-shirt on a nearby rock, he turns back towards you. 

"It'll be no fun if you don't swim too," he pouts. If only he knew how badly you want to.

"I'll stick my feet in the water if it will make you stop whining like a little kid who didn't get a toy he wanted." You begin rolling up the cuffs of your skinny jeans, which is much harder than it sounds.

He tosses you a smile and starts unbuttoning his cargo shorts. Despite the fact that you knew he was probably going to do that anyway, you still flush and play with your hair. Once his shorts are joined by his shirt, you chance a quick glance upwards at him. And then you burst into laughter.

"Are those  _Ghostbusters_ boxer briefs?" Thank god he gave you something to relieve you of blushing like a goddamn schoolgirl. 

John attempts to cover himself up but to no avail, you've already seen it all. 

"Of course I'm not wearing Ghostbusters underwear! That would just be stupid!" he pauses for a moment, "I'm wearing special limited edition Ghostbusters underwear." At hearing this, a new wave of uncontrollable laughter washes over you. You think you might feel a tear going down your cheek. 

"I bet your underwear is just as dorky!" John crosses his arms. 

You wipe the tear from your eye and shoot him a mischievous look that is lost behind your shades. "Do I sense a challenge?" 

His confidence is lost for a moment, "Uh," then he perks up, "yeah! Maybe you do!"

This is so fucking gay.  

"Well, you've already won the competition for lamest underwear, mine are plain black." You're probably imagining the fact that John deflates at your statement. He looks at your camera and smiles. 

"Do you think you could take a picture of me jumping in? I bet it would look really cool!" His enthusiasm convinces you before he's even done talking. You pull it back onto your neck out of habit and stand up, scrunching your toes into the earth. 

John places his glasses a safe distance away from the shore and climbs on top of a rock taller than him. You situate yourself close to the water and point your camera where you think John will pass through. You give him a thumbs up and hear him yell 'here I go!' 

A click of your shutter later and John pops up from beneath the surface. "Didja get it?"

You nod and put your camera down by his glasses, going back to a large rock and dipping your feet in. You close your eyes and lean back on your hands. The sun is warm on your face, and you're here with a cute, nearly naked boy. 

The aforementioned cute, nearly naked boy swims up close to you and grabs your feet as an anchor. He looks up at you with those deep eyes that remind you of the clear sky you're sitting underneath. 

"Do you always wear those sunglasses?" His question doesn't surprise you, you're used to it by now. 

"It's sunny out."

"Well, yeah. But you were wearing them inside too." He has a point. 

"They're prescription. My eyes are sensitive." The truth is you were sensitive _about_ them. If someone didn't accuse you of wearing lame color contacts, they were screaming about Satan or something. It's easier to hide them than to have half your class come running at you with pitchforks.  

"Oh, okay. Are you sure you don't wanna come swimming?" John playfully splashes some water at you. 

You would probably give up your entire dead animal collection to go swimming right now. The sweat dripping onto your stomach from underneath your binder is one more reminder of how nice swimming with John sounds. But you can't. He needs to keep thinking you're just a normal cis guy who absolutely doesn't want his dick. 

"...Yeah I'm sure, we should probably head back soon anyway."

"Awwhh, but mom!" You flinch at the gendered noun, you really do not need this shit right now. 

Instead of the playful response John expected, you only give him silence. If you keep thinking about that stupid joke, you're going to end up crying. And crying in front of a new bro is definitely not something you plan on doing. Thankfully, he understands the nonverbal reaction on a subconscious level and swims off. He has a presence about him, which you feel the loss of once he disappears under the water. His long limbs reach the bottom with ease, and he's back before too long. John swims back to where you're sitting and holds out his hand, a small shiny rock in his palm. 

"Friends?"

You take the rock and roll it around with your fingers. 

"Friends."

John Egbert is going to be the death of you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only the second chapter and this fic is not really going in the direction that I planned it to and im straying from my notes so much but oh well. I also spent the entire day trying to write this and getting distracted by everything so it took me all day just to write a measly 3,000 words.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a groan, John flips over and starts swimming to the far side of the water. "But I need to dry off my underwear soon, unless I want to be miserable all day. I do not want everyone thinking I wet my pants!" 
> 
> Your eyes widen slightly at that statement. What was he planning on doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter involves some physical bullying, which is discussed after the fact. The actual scene in which it takes place is not depicted. The T-slur is used once in this chapter.

Sitting in the rays of sunshine and watching John fuck around really messes with your perception of time. Whether it's been twenty minutes or an hour, you have no idea. 

"Do you think we should get back soon?" you ask. 

John is floating in the water on his back and makes a noncommittal noise with his throat, his eyes still closed. "Maybe," he says, raising his eyebrows. "But I would rather stay here for a while." 

Fair enough. 

With a groan, John flips over and starts swimming to the far side of the water. "But I need to dry off my underwear soon, unless I want to be miserable all day. I do not want everyone thinking I wet my pants!" 

Your eyes widen slightly at that statement. What was he planning on doing?

You're not left in suspense for long as John climbs out of the pool and walks over to the hammock. He faces away from you and peels off his Ghostbusters boxer briefs without a word. There's still water dripping down his thighs when he wrings out the underwear and places it across a rock. 

As much as you would love to turn away, you don't think you can. There are only a few opportunities like this that a person is presented with in their lifetime, and you don't plan to waste this one staring at your feet.  

An involuntary choked noise escapes your throat before you can stop it. John seems to realize that he just stripped down in front of someone he had met in the middle of the woods. He turns his head around and chuckles at your half-slack jaw. 

"Oops! Sometimes I forget not everyone is used to nudity. I blame it on playing soccer and using locker rooms since first grade." He gestures to his underwear, still not fully exposing himself to you, "do you want me to put them back on?"

Your mouth is moving before you are conscious of what you want to say. "No it's fine, you need to dry those out anyway," you assure, trying to stay as composed as possible. 

John shoots you a smile and heads over to the hammock, climbing into it and settling down. You force yourself to act nonchalant, just like any normal cis straight guy would in this situation. In fact, you consider freaking out a little about how gay it is to throw him off your trail. You decide against it as you steal one more quick glance to his body glistening in the sun. 

The cicadas buzzing and birds chirping highlight the silence between the two of you. John lets out a content sigh as he places his hands behind his head, looking over to you. You never thought you'd be as relieved that you didn't have a dick more than you are at this moment. 

"Aren't you hot in those jeans?" he asks innocently. 

It's almost as if he hasn't been listening to your internal dialogue this whole time.

Of fucking course you're hot, but these are the only pants you've found that don't accentuate your hips, yet are still skinny enough to be acceptable. As previously mentioned, you would kill to jump off this rock and feel the cool rush of water engulf you. For now, you've got to settle with your feet skidding the surface in a rhythmic pattern. 

You shrug and flick your wrist in the air to stress how Not That Big Of A Deal this is. "I don't get hot easily," you offer, despite how much of a huge fucking lie that is. 

"Do you think everyone is still looking for us?" The question has been nagging at you since John slipped his shirt off. Could someone stumble upon you if by some miracle you thought it safe to bare more skin?

The naked boy's eyebrows lower and he squints his eyes. "What do you mean? Why would people be looking for us?"

"Uh, you know. The hide and seek game that I was dragged into?" 

John is hit with an electric shock of realization. "Oh! Yeah, right! You're right," he exclaims, with an air of over enthusiasm. 

"Weirdo," you say with a smile playing on your lips. 

* * *

By the time John's underwear had dried, you'd already gotten over the fact that he was chilling around in his birthday suit. It definitely had shocked you, and you were/are jealous of the fact that he can just roam about like that without a care in the world. But after all, maybe it was just his way of saying he's comfortable with you. 

The walk back to camp was a more relaxed version of the way to the waterfall. You only had to ask John to slow down once, but he didn't hold your hand- uh, he wasn't pulling you by the arm this time. 

When you emerge from the forest after who knows how long, the cafeteria is buzzing with noise. No one else is in sight.

John pats you on the back, conjuring up a high squeak from the bowels of Hell. His hand, still raised after the encounter, flies to his mouth to stifle a bout of laughter. The look you give him does anything but help control his giggles. 

Slipping past the counselors into the cafeteria is the easy part; finding two empty chairs is proving to be more difficult than pulling off a wet binder. A few minutes into the search, John gasps and points to a free table. He dashes over, only to look back at you as an afterthought, encouraging you to follow him faster. 

Once you're settled into your chair, John offers to get food first. "It'll be really quick since everyone's already eating!" he promises. He disappears into the sea of people and is impossible to keep track of. Instead, you glance around at all the animated conversations around you. Apparently, two girls named Ashley snuck away from the group to make out in the woods. You begin to imagine what it would be like to make out with John. His wild hair tangling in your fingers, his eyes lidded with lust and desperation, the way your lips just barely touch his- 

A sudden movement in your peripheral vision snatches your attention. Your stomach leaps in surprise as John slides back into his chair. Your physical form stays calm and collected. Inside, you're recovering from touching a metaphorical exposed wire. 

"I think I grabbed the last turkey sandwich, I'm feeling lucky today," he says before taking a big bite. His mouth is still full the next time he speaks. "You cah go ge' thom foo 'f you wan'," he says between chews. 

You're about to go and 'ge' thom foo' when John finally swallows, taking in a large breath. He looks anywhere but your face, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. 

"Listen, I will feel bad all day if I don't confess this now. The truth is, I-" 

"Hey there, John!" A voice to your left cuts him off. Of course.

He stops and turns, swallowing thickly. 

"Hi Randy," he says, before pressing his lips together firmly.

"I didn't know you were here at camp," the boy places a firm hand on John's shoulder, "let's go for a walk. Old time's sake?"

"Uhhh," John glances at you with panicked eyes, and then to his half-eaten sandwich. Before he can respond, Randy is practically pulling John from his seat. 

An uneasy feeling starts to rise in your stomach. John looks back at you with apologetic eyes as he disappears from view. Randy's just an overenthusiastic old friend. Yep, that's gotta be it.

A shutter click catches your attention. Willow is sitting at a nearby table with Kolt, Jaya and a few other counselors. She smiles when you make eye contact with her and waves you over. 

"We were just talking about nerds who sit by themselves when their friends are only a few feet away," Willow jokes as you take the seat across from Kolt.

A smirk crosses your face. "What about the nerds who take pictures of their friends without them knowing?"

"That's a good point," Kolt chimes in. 

Jaya leans in closer to him and whispers 'Er ist sehr süß!' while looking your way.

Kolt whispers something back in her ear that is too quiet for you to catch. 

Willow rolls her eyes when Jaya blushes. "They've been doing this all day."

"Es ist- not every day I speak my native tongue like this!" Kolt says with a flush to his face, his accent more pronounced than usual. 

Jaya nods, "After this camp, I have to go back to Deutschland." She twirls a ring on her finger around and around, making eye contact with the table.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but a translation every once and while would be nice," says Willow, propping her head up with her hands.

The dark-skinned girl perks up at this. "Oh, I was saying that Dave is cute."

You mimic Willow to hide your blush. She looks expectantly at Kolt, attempting to nonverbally pull an answer from him.

He throws his hands up and shakes his head. "Nope, I am not telling you what I said."

* * *

The rest of lunch is spent without much eating. Willow has 'adult responsibilities' and leaves you alone with Jaya and Kolt. They try not to linguistically third-wheel you, which only works about half the time.

You've heard about German being a harsh language, but when they speak it, it sounds... what is that word they taught you?

A butterfly flew past when Jaya and Kolt simultaneously whispered 'wunderschön'. They turn to each other with a smile and clasp hands.

"Alright, what does that one mean?" you ask with a sigh. You might have some idea, English is Germanic based after all, at least you think Rose said that once. Maybe it meant 'wonderful'? This was the eighth thing they've had to translate.

Jaya speaks up first, "It's a word for 'beautiful'."

Not understanding the language is annoying, but you have to admit that German is pretty wunderschön.

* * *

 John is nowhere to be seen by the end of the sports-oriented free time. You had walked around almost the entire camp for one glance of his dorky bucked teeth. He wasn't even in the soccer fields, which you're pretty sure he said he likes?

Jaya and Kolt are off somewhere presumably playing tonsil hockey, and the cooling air sends a chill down your spine. 

Leaning against one of the buildings in a quiet area, you start fiddling with the lens of your camera. What was John doing with Randy? Neither of them seem to be on the campgrounds. John gave you a panicked look when he noticed Randy... was he hiding something from you? Maybe John IS gay and Randy is his boyfriend that you aren't supposed to know about. It would be hilarious if he were worried about you being homophobic. Randy is a few inches shorter than John but makes up for it in his trunk-like build. Who tops in that situation? Randy seems to have a more aggressive personality, but that isn't really an indicator of anything. You've met super passive guys online who turn out to be assertive doms. So, that might mean that John is a top.

You hope so, Lord knows you're subbier than a sandwich shop. 

The thought of John pinning you against a wall and kissing you senseless leaves your knees weak and crotch throbbing. 

You're met with Moment In Which Dave Strider Is Eternally Grateful He Doesn't Have A Dick Part Two when the koala-shirt girl begins heading over to you.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Fuck?? 

Straight up primal fear and anxiety build in your chest as she gets closer. You think you might scream when she sits down to your left and heaves a deep sigh. 

You steel your mental state in preparation for anything she might say to you. You're so caught up in your head you almost don't comprehend that she's started talking.

"...if I'm bugging you. I just had to get away from people for a while," she says with another sigh. 

Is she implying you're not a person?? Why is her expression so downtrodden? What is going on?

Your voice sinks twenty thousand leagues under the sea when you speak up. "It's fine. What happened?"

There's something about her demeanor that breaks down your guard a little. She just looks so, tired. 

"Ever since this morning a bunch of people haven't wanted to talk to me," she plays with the end of her ponytail, "I go up to them, and they just walk away without a word. I thought this camp was about making friends." She sniffs, and a whirlwind of emotions swirl around in your head.

Are you supposed to feel bad for her? She was very open about not respecting people like you earlier. 

"Yeah, uh. That's shitty."

She smiles up at you with wet eyes. "I never got your name. I'm Susan."

This whole conversation is tying knots in your stomach, and not the good ones.

"Dave." There is no way in hell you're going to end up with yet another dead sibling. 

"Good to know," she pauses, "But I mean, why did that counselor go off on me like that? I was just stating my opinion. What ever happened to freedom of speech?"

You give an internal dramatic sigh, paired with an eye roll. You need to get out of this conversation as quickly as possible. 

She takes your silence as a cue to keep talking. 

"It's not even that big of a deal. All trannies are just creepy old guys who- hey where are you going??"

You do not hesitate to walk away once you hear that. Fuck Susan. 

* * *

Your brain shifts into paranoia mode once John _still_ hasn't shown up after dinner. A guy that looks like Randy walks into the cafeteria twenty minutes after everyone else, his expression unreadable. Is John ignoring you? He gave you a friendship rock for Christ's sakes! How's a guy supposed to feel when he's ignored after a gesture like that? 

To calm your nerves, you pull the rock out of your pocket and roll it around in your hands. Mostly, it just makes you more anxious. What if this is the last you'll ever see of John? And now you will never know what he wanted to confess to you. Oh god, you cannot live without knowing that. He was probably going to ask for the rock back. You grip it tighter. 

After dinner, everyone has the choice of listening to a campfire story or going on a star gazing walk through the woods. It's clear that if you have to sit still for longer than ten seconds, you're going to have a meltdown. Into the woods you go. 

Almost half of the campers decide to go on the walk. Thus, supervision was more strict than the earlier trip. It feels as if this morning was weeks ago. As if it was weeks ago when you were lounging in the lazy sun with John.

In a similar fashion to this morning, you lag behind the group. No one seems to notice.

You're playing with the friendship rock again when you hear someone yell your name. 

"Dave!"

Was that...?

You turn on your heel, "John?"

He's speed walking towards you in the near-darkness. It's almost as if he's having trouble going any faster. 

You close the distance, and he gives you a relieved smile. You hold back all the questions you want to ask him, and settle for one.

"Is that blood?" you ask, gesturing to his nose. The moon lit up his face just enough for you to see his split lip and bloody nose. 

He starts at that, rubbing above his lip as if him doing it fast enough will mean you didn't see it. "...still bleeding?" he murmurs to himself.

You allow yourself to overreact, "Still?!" 

John raises his hands in front of him. "It's no big deal! Don't worry about it."

Oh, you most definitely _are_ going to worry about it. 

Taking off your shades and pinching the bridge of your nose, you begin walking again. Getting lost this late at night could prove to be dangerous. You clip your glasses on the front of your shirt and look back at the other boy. "What the hell happened?"

He's clutching his stomach, "You know I'm kinda clumsy. I fell, it's nothing." 

You know he's lying. You can hear it in his shallow breaths and nonchalance.

"Okay. Want to race me to that tree?" You point to a trunk about twenty feet away.

"Uhh, no I'm good."

"Oh come on, we were practically racing to the waterfall this morning. I had to slow you down a few times unless I wanted to literally die. What harm could this do?"

One 4/4 measure of silence passes.

"I can't."

"Why not?" You close your eyes and cross your arms, preparing yourself for the worst.

John deflates, "It was Randy."

You knew it. You fucking knew it. That guy can go to hell for all you care, how dare he treat his boyfriend like that? John deserves someone so much better. You try to stop yourself from thinking it, but he deserves you. 

"Break up with him. The minute we get back. I'll do it for you if I need to. I have your back 100%."

John looks at you as if you've just bleated like a goat and pissed yourself.

"Break up with... Wait a minute. You think we're dating?" 

What. 

You furrow your eyebrows, attempting to rearrange your mental puzzle."But I thought..."

"There's no way I would ever date that asshole. He has been bullying me on and off since third grade," John shifts his weight and stares at his feet, "I thought he was going to apologize."

Oh my god, if he starts crying... You've never been good at handling that. The best you can offer is a pat on the back and understanding silence. 

John sniffs and please no, this is the second upset person you're dealing with today. But this time, you can't walk away.

You set your camera down on the trail, opening up your arms. John looks back at you with a blank stare.

"Come on, bring it in. You seem like you could use a good bro hug." 

It's one quarter note before John is crouching down and enveloping you in an embrace. It's comical how even though you're on your tip toes and he's bending his knees, your head barely reaches his shoulder. 

He's warm against the cool breeze flowing past the completely non-homosexual hug. The pressure from his squeezes leaves you a little breathless, or at least that's what you're telling yourself. 

You nuzzle into his chest, and he smells exactly how you expected him to, like someplace you want to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no idea how long this fic is going to be so buckle your seatbealts y'all; there may be a bumpy road ahead. And like I said before, it's evolving before my very eyes. The original plan that I wrote out isn't gonna happen anymore and I expect we will be dealing with a very different fanfiction than I had first sketched out by the end. 
> 
> Translations: 
> 
> Er ist sehr süß: He is very sweet/cute
> 
> wunderschön: beautiful, lovely, wonderful


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can we go back to this afternoon? I'd kill to go swimming again."
> 
> You break a rule and laugh at your own joke before you can tell it, "Are you gonna wear a bathing suit this time?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I lost the first draft of the first draft of this. Just know that each time I lose a draft of this fic its plot twists in a new way that I didn't expect.
> 
> Tag added for unsafe binding (duration, not method).  
> If bullying affects you a lot, I suggest you tread carefully when reading this chapter.

You're the first one to let go, giving John a final squeeze before slipping out of his grip. He's still hunched over and his limp arms hang at his sides. This is awful.

It seems you're doing a lot of firsts today because you're also the first one to start walking down the path again. Your little wave to the boy behind you urges him to follow. John looks up like he had forgotten where he is. You yawn as he catches up, and match his pace. 

John's voice cuts through the groggy summer air. It's humid as hell but goosebumps are prickling at your fingertips. 

"Can we go back to this afternoon? I'd kill to go swimming again."

You break a rule and laugh at your own joke before you can tell it, "Are you gonna wear a bathing suit this time?"

John cracks a smile, "Only if you're okay with my pair of trunks signed by Nic Cage himself!"

Pffffff, yeah okay. "That sounds like the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of," you snort. "And one time I watched Fox News."

Your joke seems to go over pretty well as John isn't gawking in disgust or giving you the silent treatment. His sweet laughter is interrupted by another yawn. You don't remember the last time you've yawned this much so early.

* * *

Three yawns later and you're starting to wonder what the hell is up.

"Do you know how much further until we make it back to camp?" 

Fuck if you know. Staying with the group probably would have been a better choice. The trees are almost too thick to see through and the temperature is dropping faster than the sickest of beats. 

"We'll be fine if we keep following the path." Or, at least you hope so. 

One yawn later, and it hits you like a smuppet to the face. Your chest feels too tight as you realize you've been wearing your binder for so much longer than twelve hours. In fact, if you count it out... 

Seventeen hours.

Bro would have a fucking fit if he found out. 

Your next breaths are as full and deep as you can make them. Ininininin. Outoutoutoutout. Repeat. 

If you weren't walking with John you might pull your binder away from your chest for a few brief moments of freedom. You hesitate to even define taking your binder off as 'freedom'. You've never felt more free than when your chest is neatly packed away, flatter than the American Plains. 

John doesn't seem to notice your new breathing pattern, why would he? Nothing wrong with inhaling that fresh summer air. Especially not if you have a hard time getting enough oxygen to your brain unless you think about it. 

It takes John to completely stop walking for you to notice that something is up. He's hugging his arms like he's afraid he'll fall apart if he lets go. 

"Hey-"

His words drop out like food from a weak grocery bag, spilling its contents with no warning. 

"What if I'm rooming with Randy?"

Oh hell no.

"Bro, I will fight that kid into the next summer camp if I have to." You bet you could knock that punk ass motherfucker off his feet without getting so much as a scratch. But you would do so much more than knock him out if it meant that John was safe. 

His voice betrays the fact that he is close to bursting into tears. "Why would you do something like that for me?"

To be honest, you don't really understand why either. You don't even know this kid's middle name and yet you're willing to swing around defending his honor like it's your birth right. 

"Because i want to."

John wipes away a tear and clears his throat. "God, don't say things like that. You hardly even know me and I've done nothing but lie to you." 

What. 

"That game of hide and seek in the woods?" he laughs lightly. "I made it up. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you."

What.

"So, lemme get this straight. Instead of acting like a normal human being and just, you know, talking to me, you decide to make up this whole game so we can run around in the woods together?"

"I didn't know you had asthma!" he blurts, as if _that_ were the flaw in his logic. 

It strikes you like the feeling of headphones being ripped out of your head. You've been lying to John so much more than he has to you. Your dead sister, your asthma, your feelings towards him, and your gender identity; you're lying to him like it's your job. 

How can you expect to have a successful healthy relationship with this guy if you lie so much to him?

Hell, how can you expect to have a successful healthy relationship with this guy without first knowing whether you have a chance? _That_ is the million dollar question.

The words come out before you can taste them, and once you do, they taste like your first bloody nose. "Are you gay?"

John laughs nervously, "how did you get from asthma to my sexuality?" His pause feels like your first broken rib. 

"Yeah, actually." and it feels like washing the first glass from a stack of dirty dishes piling up in the sink. One down, who knows how many to go. 

"That's, uh, sort of why Randy bullies me." 

The glass slips from your grip and pulls the ground up towards itself faster than you can catch it. 

You're speechless as you search for the broom and dustpan, not knowing where to start.

John's the one who starts walking again. 

"I'm not even sure how it started. I remember him calling me gay a lot. He pushed me around but like, never really hurt me." Your heart starts beating faster.

"I asked my dad what it meant when someone is gay. He said it's when two boys or two girls like each other. I was probably in like fourth grade at this point. I had the biggest 'oh shit' moment when he said that. Like, don't all boys like boys? Girls are icky. Even though Randy said it like an insult, I still told him that I actually was gay the next time he called me that. Biggest mistake ever let me tell you."

You can tell he's trying to play this off as no big deal, but his still wet cheek reveals otherwise. 

"It got worse for a while, he'd punch my arm too hard during recess and trip me a lot. Then, suddenly Randy stopped coming to school in fifth grade. Everyone said he'd moved. I felt bad for being glad that he was gone but, can you blame me? He was gone for six years I think. The first day of junior year I walked into my second hour of the day and there's Randy! I thought he would have changed by now, it's been over half a decade after all. We never talked much in class, but he did threaten me once."

The trees aren't as dense now.

"When he talked to me during lunch... he led me to a super secluded area and I didn't even think anything of it," his voice goes soft. "That was stupid of me. He-"

John cut himself off. He lifted his shirt up to cover his face and soft sobs punctuated the air. 

Shiiiiiiiit. This is getting too heavy for your liking. Each sob was like another nail in your coffin. 

No use trying to go back now.

You rub John's back in comforting circles and hope that helps, if only a little.

The air is only getting cooler but John's back feels like a furnace. You want to wrap him around you like a blanket, but in a non-weird way. 

He sniffs once, twice, and pops his head out from his shirt. His smile is dotted with tears.

"Thank you for caring."

* * *

For the rest of the walk, John steadily cheers up. By the time you reach the camp, he's laughing and smiling due to whatever dumb dick joke you've managed to erect. 

All the cabins are lit up, busy with activity. 

You look at John the same moment he turns to face you. Which cabin are you in?

The heavens have decided to shine down upon you on this fine night. A counselor with a clipboard is walking around the area and catches your attention. 

"Hey, boys!" 

A faint warm feeling rises up in your chest.

She jogs over, "Do you know your room assignments?"

"No, we were in the bathroom," John lies. 

"Names?"

You really don't want to change her opinion of your gender, so you stay quiet. Luckily, John picks up on whatever he thinks he's picking up on and answers for you.

"You guys are both in cabin five," she points to your left. "Should be over there. Lights out is pretty soon so you might wanna hurry."

John looks at you with a smile that could melt the ice caps no problem. He's absolutely beaming, eyes all scrunched up and EVERYTHING. 

Oh, what wouldn't you give to have those lips on yours. 

You're walking to the cabin before you even realize that this may prove to be a predicament. If you're sharing a cabin with John, that opens up the slight possibility that he might find out about your hormone deficiency problem. 

Welp.

You can't possibly be expected to put a damper on this kid's excitement. There's no way you can request a transfer. Not with 'Maybe we could even be bunk buddies!!' replaying over and over in your mind. 

* * *

You slide in just as the older teenager in the room is starting to call roll. Thankfully, there is no sign of Randy. 

John wipes an imaginary drop of sweat off his face and still has that dumb grin. 

All the other boys in the room are standing around the bunks, their luggage claiming each bed but one. 

This could prove to be a problem. 

After roll, the counselor comes up to the both of you with an apologetic expression.

"Okay, so. Unfortunately, we didn't close signups for Camp Phoenix soon enough and we don't have enough beds for everyone. Would you two mind sharing a bed just for tonight? I can go steal a cot, but not until tomorrow." 

Of course, because your life is a fanfic trope. 

John looks over at you with questioning eyes, a faint quirk of his lips replaces the huge smile. 

uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh.

"Yeah sure, that's fine," you nod. What a roller coaster this is gonna be. 

Your new bedmate nearly splits a lip grinning at you.

He jumps in the air, "This is gonna be so much fun! Just like a real sleepover."

Oh boy. You simply can't wait.

Fuck your life. 

"It's getting late boys, and wake up is pretty early. You can stay up for a little while if you want, but if there's anyone who wants to sleep, I expect only quiet talking from the rest of you."

Looks like you got the boring cabin, because everyone just sort of glances at each other before unzipping their duffels and getting undressed. 

Out of instinct, you stare at the floor so as not to give anyone even the faintest inkling that you might be looking at them. It's so unfair how straight guys can act as gay as they want, but the minute someone who is actually queer looks at someone, the world implodes.

The bed you and John are assigned to is in the far corner of the room, closest to the bathroom. The boy who occupies the bunk above you only slips off his jeans before climbing up. As you walk over with your stuff, he makes eye contact with John. 

"Bunk mates?" He leans over the railing of the bed.

"Yup!"

"Fucking A. Oh, and you guys can feel free to get as freaky as you want," he winks, "I'm a heavy sleeper."

See, what the fuck is up with straight guys and homoerotic comments?

John must be well versed in straight boy banter because his counter is like, maybe an eighth rest later. 

"Good to know, but maybe you could join us instead," he winks, shooting double pistols at him. 

Jesus shit. 

As soon as John starts undressing, you're out of there. You grab your bag and head to the bathroom. Sure, you've seen him naked before but. 

This is different. You can't really put your finger on why, but?? 

You know that John is gay so that kind of changes things?

No, that's stupid. Just because he's gay it doesn't mean he likes you. That's like, basic shit. 

And even if he did like you, what are the chances that he still would when he finds out that you don't exactly have a dick?

When and not if. With how things are going, 'if' is not even a factor in the situation anymore. 

Thankfully, it's been a while since you got stuck in your binder. The first time you tried to remove one, Bro had to peel it off. You were definitely not embarrassed because why should a guy be embarrassed about his brother seeing his awesome pecs?

You were really fucking embarrassed. 

Taking off your binder is the easy part. Finding a shirt that will effectively hide your A-cup pectorals is more difficult. 

If you weren't trying to be stealth this wouldn't even be that big of a problem. Both parties would know exactly what the situation called for and would make the appropriate adjustments. Either that or they would make someone else share with John. Those beds actually are kinda small... 

Anxiety, thy name is Strider.

There's no way you can wear a binder to bed, especially not after how long you wore it today. Even if your chest isn't very big, John would definitely be confused if he accidentally groped you in the middle of the night. Maybe if you just get the side closest to the wall? Then you could face away from him and all would be well. 

You've been in the bathroom too long. Shrugging on a heavy t shirt and pair of athletic shorts, you shove your binder into your bag and head back out into the room. 

The room is still light; everyone but you is already snugged up like little bugs in their beds. 

Aaaaand of course John is currently laying down closest to the wall. What did you do to deserve this? 

You shuffle over, back hunched more than usual to help with the pectoral issue. 

John pulls back the covers for you and you climb into the already warm bed, settling on your stomach. 

"Everyone ready for lights out?"

A positive murmur passes through the room and with a flick of the light switch, you look the same as every other boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is on a tiny hiatus at the moment. I need to wrap up my smaller works before I continue this huge one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'In all seriousness, you’re way too gay for this. '

Not even half an hour after the lights go out, pretty much everyone in the cabin is asleep. That is, except for you and John. You are so eager to get this whole sleeping arrangement thing over with. Now if only your brain would let yourself be unconscious. Each time John readjusts, he steals a little bit more of the shared blanket. You passive-aggressively pull it back each time, too afraid to call him out on it right out. 

While your right arm is perpetually being met with the cool air that rushes through the cabin, your left arm is comfortably warm due to its proximity with John’s body. The bed  _ is  _ pretty small, so it’s not like you don’t have an excuse to be pressed up against him like this.  Luckily, your counselor had found an extra pillow for the night. You don’t even wanna know how you would have restrained yourself from planting a kiss on John if your heads had been that close. 

In all seriousness, you’re way too gay for this. 

Every time you find yourself drifting into the bliss of unconsciousness, John wakes you back up. 

“Do you think everyone is asleep already?” This kid sounds wide awake.

“Yes, John. You should be too.” 

He readjusts before answering, now facing you. “But I’m not even tired.”

You don’t bother to answer him this time. The silence wraps around you like a warm blanket; your eyelids droop back down, thankful for the sudden quiet. Visions of the pond flit around in your brain. You’re not touching John anymore but his presence still comforts you. God, you could get used to sleeping next to someone every night.

“What if we don’t even exist?”

Never mind. You will be perfectly content sleeping alone for the rest of your entire life if it meant that you didn’t have to deal with such a fucking dweeb who won’t let you sleep.

“Shut the fuck up John.”

John makes a breathy whining sound and despite your lack of a dick you are 99% sure that you popped a boner just now.

You roll over to face the ceiling and just try to fall asleep and ignore your stupid libido. It’s so perplexing how you’re super tired but you simply cannot shut John’s antics out and pass out. 

John continues to toss and turn in bed for you don’t even know how long before he breathes in deeply and huffs.

“I can’t sleep!” 

“Yo, John shut up you’re gonna wa-”

And suddenly he is yanking off the blankets and crawling over top of you. 

Oh.

At one point John straddles you for an eighth rest and  _ hoo boy _ you were not prepared for that.

You were never aware of how many nerve endings you had in your body. 

He unceremoniously slides off the bed, goes to the bathroom, and somehow doesn’t wake up the rest of everybody despite how loud he is being.

Once he’s gone, the silence is about as tangible as ur man-boner for this fucking kid. This is your chance to actually catch some z’s without any philosophical interruption.

So, you go to sleep.

You go to sleep.

You go to sleep, godammit!!

Ugh. John’s been in there a while hasn’t he? Maybe even a good ten minutes… You’re not about to judge someone’s bathroom habits but???? That’s kind of a long time. You’ll wait like ten more minutes, and if he’s not out by then, you need to check what’s up with him.

Five minutes later and you can’t even take the suspense anymore. You’re going in there. 

You throw the blanket off and creep over to the bathroom, thankful that you don’t have to walk past all the other campers on your way there. The light from underneath the door shines out onto your bare feet. 

You think you might hear muffled shuffling in there???? What the hell even. All this is sorta weird but the next thing your hear is like a… chirp? What the fuck. Okay you’re going in; you’ve stood outside entirely too long.

You push the door open the slightest amount, just enough to let john know that it’s open.

You whisper, “You okay in there?”

“Dave! thank god!!! There’s a raccoon in here and I don’t know what to do!!!!”

“Holy shit for real ?”

“Yes! It’s staring at me!!!!” The panic in his voice is rising. 

You open the door a little wider and sure enough there’s a raccoon sitting by the toilet looking at John and now you.

????????????????

Okay you are a calm and rational human being who is totally capable of handling a situation like this. No big deal. You got this.

You grab John and get the hell out of there.

He’s breathing heavily when you click the door closed behind yourself. Still holding onto his arm, you mentally collect yourself as well. “Are you okay? Anything happen?”

John breathes deeply, “Yeah yeah, I was just standing there the whole time too afraid to move in case it might bite me. My dad said that raccoons have rabies!”

“Okay well we’re okay now. And we really should get to bed.”

You feel the heat of John’s arm still burning into your palm and let go like it was scorching you.

He climbs into bed before you, actually willing to share the blanket equally this time as if you just earned it by saving him from a rabies infected animal.  
You settle into the sheets and fall asleep to the feeling of John’s arm pressed up against yours. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such the long wait! I would say that that'll never happen again, but then I'd be lying. My schedule is super inconsistent so I don't always get the time to sit down and write nor do I always have the motivation to. However, when I do, I do my best to churn out as much as I can for you guys! I really appreciate all your feedback and kudos. It makes me feel A+. Thank you.
> 
> Okay, also this has taken such a long time due to falling out of the fandom. This will probably be my last homestuck fanfic.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another inhale. You will not allow yourself to overthink this. Do not get your hopes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say thank you so much for over 100 kudos and 1,000 hits! Sorry for lack of an update schedule and that whole huge hiatus thing, but it's so great to hear that people want me to continue the fic. I have a VERY rough outline of the rest of it.
> 
> An angst tag has been added. ;)

"Hey! Morning spooning ended an hour ago, time to get up!"

That's when you realize why you feel so warm despite the lack of a blanket. Your left arm is trapped in John's sleepy grip, with your front pressed flush against him. Carefully detaching yourself from your bedfellow, you rub your eyes and reach underneath the bed for your shades. John doesn't seem to be awake yet, and the bathroom is empty so you make a dash for it, grabbing your duffel bag. 

Once you're safe, you take a deep breath. Okay. So you just woke up tangled up with John's body. No big deal right? Just. Bro cuddles. They're all the rage these days with straight guys right? You have no fucking clue. 

Wait, but John is gay. Does that mean it was on purpose? Does he like you? 

Another inhale. You will  _not_ allow yourself to overthink this. Do not get your hopes up. Do not think for even a second that John meant anything by getting intimate with you. He was unconscious the whole time wasn't he? It's not like he could have known what his arms were holding onto. He's probably one of those heat-seeking missile types, willing to cuddle with anything or anyone. Yeah, that's it. 

Thank god tomorrow night you'll get to sleep on a cot without any cute confusing boys.

Do you really want that though? A solid feeling of warmth is still left in your gut after waking up next to John. It's likely you'll never see him again after this camp, so shouldn't you cherish it while you're here? No no no. You need to cut off all feelings ASAP lest you get caught up in pathetic pining Thing™. The last time that happened your mental state went right out the window along with your sanity. It was the most unproductive summer ever; all you did was lay on your bed sighing wistfully while listening to sad music. Not again.

One more sigh and you start getting dressed for the day. In an attempt to stay cool, you slip into a pair of ripped skinny jeans rather than your normal ones. Curse Bro for not packing any shorts. You're in the middle of putting on your binder when someone knocks on the door. 

"You done jerkin' off in there yet? I gotta piss." You recognize the voice as the boy whose bed is above yours. 

"Yeah almost," you say back, pulling your binder over your head along with a plain white t-shirt.

John is sitting up by the time you return, but still not dressed. He gives you a small wave and a smile. Seeing him in the morning light, you remember what happened last night. No, not the cuddling, his split lip. It's slightly swollen, but not as bad as it was in the woods. 

Randy better pray to whatever god he believes in that you don't see him today. 

You sit down next to John on the bed, slipping into your shoes. "You alright?" you ask, gesturing to his face and upper half. 

He sighs and smiles, but you can tell it isn't completely genuine. "I'll be fine, you're here aren't you?" 

Oh.

Incapable of expressing emotions like a normal human being, you punch him lightly on the arm and stand up. "Better get ready before all the pancakes are gone."

John groans in response. 

Most of the cabin is empty, all the others boys are out eating breakfast. In fact, you would go so far as to guess that the only person left besides you and John is the boy with the bed above yours. Speak of the devil, he pops out of the bathroom just as you think of him. 

"See ya! Make sure you clean up before heading to the cafeteria, I hear they kick you out for having sex around here." With a wink, he's gone. 

What the hell?

You exchange a nervous look with John before the two of you burst into laughter. A simultaneous wave of relief and dread washes over you. Sure, John is gay, but this moment pretty much confirms that he doesn't like you like that. You're glad he's not being weird about it though. 

"Do you think anyone has ever gotten kicked out for something like that?" 

"Hmmm," you pause and lay back down on the bare bed. "Probably. This camp is older than balls right? There's no way people haven't been caught bumpin' uglies before. Put a bunch of horny teenagers in one place for a week with minimal adult supervision and what would you expect to happen?"

John stares at you with amused confusion. "Did you really just say 'bumpin' uglies'?"

You pull out the classic deadpan tone, "Got a problem with that, Egbert?" 

He cracks up and throws his head back in laughter, "Was that supposed to be intimidating?"

Ah, he caught you. You risk a small smile and toss it his way. "Only a little bit."

John returns the favor and moves to pull his clothes out of his duffel bag. "You're a funny guy, Dave."

"So I've been told," you say, turning to face the wall to give John some privacy. Sure, your boner for the guy is currently hard enough to cut diamonds, but you're not some creep. There's some rustling behind you but other than that the room is silent. 

John must be done changing because he flops down next to you on the bed. Before you can say anything, his hands are flying to your sides, tickling you with reckless abandon. Oh hell no. The laughs that erupt from your body are anything but manly, and you are not about to stand for this. You attempt to tickle him back, going for his armpits. In retaliation, John captures your arms and straddles you, trapping them in between your body and his legs. His tickling is relentless; the laughter pours out of your mouth like a faucet. You normally wouldn't allow yourself to get pinned like this but, who would pass up a chance to be straddled by a cute boy?

"Okay! Okay! I give up!" You're breathless with laughter and your shades are askew. 

John gives you a mischievous look but stops his fingers, still hovering them above your sides. "Positive?"

"As a Duggar's birth control test."

He laughs heartily at that and climbs off of you. "Do you think we can still snag some of those pancakes?"

"Doubt it, but we should head on down before we're missed," you say, attempting to fix your hair. 

Wow, you haven't laughed that much in who knows how long. You push the thought of John's position over you out of your mind before it can develop into anything more than platonic. Nope, no intimate feelings here. What just happened was merely a fun bro tickle match, even if it was mostly John sitting on top of you. You're just gonna chalk it up to Moment In Which Dave Strider Is Eternally Grateful He Doesn't Have A Dick Part Three. 

* * *

Breakfast goes by without much happening. You introduce John to your other friends at camp, and he fits in nicely. He and Jaya talk about their favorite movies, despite the fact they only find a few that they've both seen. A conversation about moments in which you wish you'd had your camera is struck up between you, Willow, and Kolt. Willow says she saw a frog the size of her head one time, it was covered in weird dots and was nearly translucent. Yeah, okay sure. She leaves early in order to regroup with the rest of the counselors, but not without giving you a warm farewell. 

You definitely need it.

After breakfast, an announcement is made for everyone to report outside. Groups of all sizes head out together, seeming to have already connected after only one night of camp. Jaya and Kolt get up before you, and you take it as your signal to head on out as well. They're in front of you, their hands clasped loosely and swaying back and forth. It hurts to seem them like this. They're so openly comfortable with each other; they have it easy. John is to your left and is taking in all the people surrounding you. Your fingers itch to grip onto his. 

As always, you restrain yourself. 

Once everyone has gathered around in a half hearted circle, a counselor with a megaphone begins speaking. 

"Hey guys! It's Lola again. I hope you all had a filling breakfast, we're going to have a busy day!" A collective sigh is passed around the group, but she pays no mind. "First off, I want y'all to find someone you haven't talked to before and pair up." 

Oh no, not this. Aren't you too old to be doing stuff like this? Sure it was a friendship building camp but... oh right. Yeah, you suppose this makes sense. Regardless, there's no one in your immediate vicinity not already standing with someone. John is God knows where, one minute he was right next to you and now he's gone. Much to your surprise, a hand taps on your shoulder. 

"Got a partner?" The voice sounds familiar. You turn around. 

"Haven't managed t-" your voice falters as you come face to face with a boy slightly taller than you but much more sturdy. Randy. 

Behind your shades you search for a way out, but just as before, there's no one that's not matched up. Rage, anxiety, and despair flare up in your head, but fear dominates over everything. Shit. 

Despite the hurricane inside your head, you recover by clearing your throat. "...to find anyone yet," you say with more confidence than you have. 

The other boy crosses his arms over his chest and smiles at you. "We'll make a great team." Even if you can't hear the danger in his voice, it's thick enough in the air for it to be implied. Worst case scenario, you'll have to fall back into his arms and he drops you. That's not such a big deal, right? You'll be fine; Randy has nothing against  _you._ But, he has something against John and therefore you have something against him. How  _dare_ he think he can lay even a finger on your friend without any repercussions? You'll make up for what he did to John but ten times worse. This kid is gonna wish he never even heard the name John Egbert. 

Instead of clocking Randy in the face like you wish you could, you simply nod your head and listen to Lola's instructions. Just as you suspected, one person will have to close their eyes and trust the other person to catch them. 

You offer to be the faller first. After all, you don't actually know how this guy is gonna act around you yet. Might as well test it out before fucking with him. First, you stand half a foot in front of him, then a foot, and so on. Once Lola tells you to switch, you're ready. 

For the first few rounds, you catch him at the right time. He doesn't seem to be cognizant of the fact that he beat the shit out of your best camp friend yesterday. So, you let him think you don't know. This time, he closes his eyes and once you give the signal, he begins to fall. Randy continues to fall and you don't move an inch. He's nearly parallel with the ground when his eyes shoot open. Just before he hits the ground, you rush up and catch him. Through your shades, you make eye contact with his fear stricken eyes with unmatchable intensity. He looks like a child, not quite comprehending what just happened, still supported by your arms. 

In the lowest voice you can manage and still be heard, you murmur, "Stay away from John."

Randy doesn't move. That is, until you drop him. He hits the ground with a satisfying thud; it wasn't enough to cause any damage, just to knock the wind out of him. One last glance is cast his way before you start heading to the woods, shouting to Lola that you're gonna take a piss.

The minute you are obscured from the group, you back up against one of the trees and slide down it. Has your binder always been this tight? You pull it away from your body, but it doesn't alleviate the tightness in your chest. Inininininininin. Outoutoutoutoutout. Your skin feels electric. Bro didn't raise no wimp, but it took all of your willpower and mental strength to pull that stunt off. In the moment, it had been easier to just not think about it. Now that you're alone, it's all you can think about. The butterflies in your stomach are beating their wings especially hard, trying to escape from the inhospitable environment. 

What if this just makes Randy hurt John more? You couldn't live with yourself if you caused John pain. God, why are you such an idiot? You should have just caught him like normal and not acted like a total fucking weirdo in front of someone who has the power to crush whomever he pleases. When you were walking into the woods, all you could think about was sitting down. Now that you're here, you feel like your body will explode if you don't start moving. So, you do just that. You don't know where you're going, but it's as far away from that friendship building activity as possible.

* * *

You were lost until you found yourself standing in front of a big ass rock. It would tower over John, if he were here right now. Damn, you would've brought him into the woods with you if you hadn't been on the brink of a panic attack. It's not like that would matter anyway, since he'll hate you after finding out about what you did to Randy. You were raised better than to be impulsive, what would Bro think? 

Ugh. 

You approach the small waterfall and sit down on the same rock you sat on yesterday while John swam. It feels like that was weeks ago, and not mere hours. The sun is still shining overhead, if not a little lower than before. The heat was bearable until you sat down in the sunshine; now it's overwhelming. If you were only cis, you could whip your shirt off and jump into the water just like John did. 

Uuuuuugh. 

The feeling in your stomach has morphed from anxiety to dread. You can't just hide out here forever. Eventually, you'll have to go back and face the consequences of fucking with Randy. Would John even talk to you? Hell, he might be getting his face bashed in right now. The thought sinks you lower into yourself. It's not like you could do anything about it, you've done enough damage already. 

UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!

Fuck it. You're going to swim in that pond if it kills you. Before you can think better of it, you slip out of your shirt and kick off your jeans. You grip onto the underedge of your binder. You're so far from camp that the chances of anyone finding this mostly secluded area are slim. Okay. You're doing this. 

You yank the binder over your head and take a few moments to breathe. Partially because you can fully expand your lungs now, and partially because you need to calm yourself down. The last time you stepped outside without a shirt on was pre-puberty. With one last breath, you toss your shades aside and jump into the water. The coolness surrounds you, every last part. It's like you jumped into another world, your chest is filled with a light feeling that you're not used it. Rather than weighing you down, it lifts you up to a sort of euphoria. The laugh that escapes your body as you resurface is involuntary. 

You float for a while, eyes closed and arms spread out. The sun warms portions of you that haven't seen the sun for years. Your underwear wasn't made for swimming, but you aren't trusting enough to be left completely bare. The moment seems like something out of a dream. You're weightless.

Unknown minutes pass by, and you're not actually sure how long you've been out here. The sun has moved slightly, but it's still high in the sky. Maybe you should start to dry out in the hammock before it gets too late.

You swim to the edge and climb out, happily dripping from the cool water. Maneuvering into the hammock proves to be more difficult than you thought, but once you're inside of it, you can feel your eyes slipping closed again. You'll only shut them, you won't fall asleep.

* * *

 

You're woken up by noise. It's like some... one is here with you. The familiar tightness in your body returns, but you don't move at all. Luckily, you're facing away from the pond, but your shirt is still on the other side of the water. Shit. 

It gets closer, almost to the clearing. Today is just a rollercoaster, isn't it?

Before it can catch you literally with your pants down, you call out. 

"Who's there?" 

"Dave? I thought you might be here!" The realization hits you like a brick. It's John. Dammit. He's definitely going to come over here and find out you have tits. No way in hell are you going to let that happen. Anger boils up inside you. Why did he come out here? He has no reason to! Now he's going to ruin everything. 

Your voice is unsteady and wild. "Get out!!"

He stops walking. "What?" John can't keep the heartbreak out of his voice, but this is too important for you to back down now.

"I said get OUT! I don't want you to be here, go AWAY!" you scream. 

"I just...okay," he says before you hear his footsteps head in the opposite direction.

You can't risk it. John shouldn't even like you in the first place. You're just some fucked up kid who doesn't know what he's doing. He's better off not being your friend. You'll get over it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea when the next chapter will be up because I'll be out of country for a big part of June and won't be able to write anything. However, as I've said before, I won't let this fic die!
> 
> Thank you for all the support you've given me. <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the right thing to do, so why does it hurt so badly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand we're back!
> 
> (Warning: this chapter contains some internalized transphobia and is not reflective of my views.)

You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting here. The sun is lower in the sky than when you fell asleep. All of the water on your skin has dried up, but you still can’t help the sobs that are pouring out of your body. This is the right thing to do, so why does it hurt so badly?

Has anyone else come looking for you yet? You’ve severely hurt John. Sure there’s Willow and Kolt and Jaya, but other than that no one at this camp cares about you. How could Bro possibly think that this was a good idea? You shouldn’t even go back.

Well, maybe you can sneak back in the middle of the night to get your stuff, and then you’ll hitch a ride home or something. You’ve always been good at sneaking around.

Until then, you pull your clothes back on; you still feel as vulnerable as you did without them.

John is ruining everything. He just had to bring you here. You would never have been in this situation if he hadn’t stripped naked yesterday morning. Or, maybe it’s because of Randy. You just needed to clear your head after what happened to John. You were just trying to protect him.

No, you can’t keep blaming others.

All of this is your fault.

* * *

 No emotions are left, only an attempt to plan how to get out of this mess. If your sense of time is correct, dinner will be soon as you’ll have the chance to grab your bag from the cabin and sneak away. Consequences be damned. Bro won’t be happy with you, but this is one time you can’t force yourself to own up and be a man.

As if you were ever capable of that in the first place. The reason you blew up at John is because you’re not even a guy in the first place. Guys don’t have boobs. Guys don’t pee sitting down. Guys don’t have squeaky voices and big hips and small feet. You’re going to run away from this godawful camp and never leave your room again.

The only social interaction you need is Rose and Jade. They already know everything awful about you, so there’s no need to hide anything from them.

The walk through the woods back to camp is a solemn one. The birds are chirping all above you, but you can’t share in their excitement. All that’s on your mind is getting your things and booking it.

* * *

The trip into camp is the easy part; no one would be suspicious of a kid going to his cabin right before meal time, getting back into the woods with a bag full of clothes is the part that makes you anxious. You pass a few people on your way back, but all three of them are absorbed in their conversation and pay you about as much mind as a giant to an ant.

* * *

Luckily for you, tonight’s air is sweet and warm. The sun’s rays disappear beneath the horizon, but the heat stays. You don’t have a solid plan yet. Hell, you’re just out here walking, trying to get as far away from camp as possible. Your bag becomes heavier and heavier as you travel, and you curse yourself for bringing your camera. The roll of film inside might not ever be developed, just so you won’t ever have to see the look that John gave you when you took your first picture of him.

Your binder feels tight, and not just because you’ve been walking for a while. The emotion wells up from your chest until it reaches your eyes, where it stays. Even with your shades on, even though you’re completely alone in the forest at dusk, you won’t allow yourself to cry about this. You have to hold onto the last few shreds of dignity you have. The chirps in the forest cease to belong to the birds, only for the crickets to pick up the slack. It’s not long before you find yourself walking off the path, heading somewhere only your subconscious knows the directions to. It’s as if you could close your eyes and you feet would lead you there, wherever it is, without so much as tripping on a pebble. You begin to take in your surroundings and realize where you are.

Goddammit. You’re back at the waterfall for the second time today.

Are you simply incapable of not thinking about John at this point? He’s written everywhere in these woods. John is every rustle that might be a giggle. He’s every ripple in the water; every sway of the hammock. You roll your eyes at how ridiculous you’re being. It’s not like he died, you’re just a major donkey dick.

One deep sigh and you’re untying your shoes. Might as well enjoy the night that you’ll soon become very familiar with. You walk over to the other side of the water barefoot and sit down, dipping your feet in. What better way to waste the useless film in your camera than to take pictures here? It’s only the place where you realized the extent of your feelings for John, a place you can never seem to leave for any extended amount of time. You pull out your camera and start clicking.

You point it at the waterfall.

*Click click*

You point it at the big rock.

*Click click*

You point it at your feet.

*Click click*

You point it at John.

*Click click*

No. No. No? No!

He’s standing there, looking at you as dumbfounded as you’re probably looking at him. You’re about to yell at him again, throw your shoe at him, anything to get him to go away, but then you see his duffle bag.

He takes a step towards you. He takes another step. Another. John is careful but purposeful, as if he is trying to not scare away a fawn. You set down your camera and just watch him behind shaded eyes. You want to say something, but keep your mouth shut. Despite everything, he’s here.

The silence is deafening until he sets down his bag and places his feet in the water next to yours. You both sit there for several moments until John turns to you with apology daring to brim over in his face.

“I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry,” he says quietly, not meeting your eyes. “I saw you run into the woods, but you looked really upset. I decided it would be a good idea to wait it out since you seemed angry. I guess you _were_ pretty mad. Ha.”

You’re an idiot, a goddamn idiot. This is him apologizing right? He’s apologizing for not even doing anything wrong. It’s all your fault.

John takes a breath before continuing. “And then I figured you needed some space! So… I gave it to you. You weren’t at lunch, and I didn’t really think it was that weird. I didn’t like that you were ignoring me, but whatever. When you weren’t at dinner, I got worried. Your stuff was gone when I got back to the cabin and I freaked out.”

Why would he freak out? It’s just a stupid camp friendship to him. You’re completely overreacting. You’re being so stupid right now. You have been this whole time. How could you let this tiny broship explode into the idealized relationship you’ve formed in your mind? Here you are, sitting in the woods at night, freaking people out for no good reason.

“I grabbed my stuff and figured I’d come find you, even if it meant not coming back to camp.” John makes eye contact with you as he says this, and you swear to all that is good and holy that you feel something in your gut other than depression and hopelessness.

You choose your words carefully; there is no telling how the rest of this encounter could go.

“You didn’t have to do that. I would’ve been fine.”

“Dave. Did you even pack any food? Or water?” he hits you with a knowing look. Damn him.

“Well I’m sure I could’ve found some berries to eat, and there’s enough water to drown a guy around here.”

  
John laughs at that and you can’t help but smile too. He pulls two sandwiches out of his bag and hands them to you, along with a bottle of water. Holy shit this kid must be a mind reader. You haven’t eaten since breakfast and hadn’t realized how hungry you were until just now.

* * *

He looks at you expectantly, and you really wish you could go back to yesterday afternoon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I updated! It only took me eight months in order to gather the motivation to do it. Sorry for keeping you on such a cliffhanger, especially since this one isn't much better. Stay tuned!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not part of the fandom anymore, and I can't really motivate myself to flesh this out, but here's how the story would have ended.

My initial plan for this story was to focus more on the bed sharing, but I ended up writing something way bigger than I was able to handle. All the characters and plot lines sort of fell to the wayside and I only cared about (and knew how to write) the relationship between John and Dave. I'd rather just give a shorthand of how that ends than try to tie up all these weird loose ends. Life is sort of like that anyway. 

 

After their meeting back at the pond, John is obviously worried about Dave. He also is curious as to why Dave blew up on him, but doesn't push it. They end up talking about their Feelings™ regarding Randy and all that. Dave shares that he was also bullied in the past and they bond over it. John and Dave decide to spend the night at the pond and spoon to keep each other warm. They wake up with their faces close together and oh jeez Tension. John does the whole "can I kiss you?" thing and Dave kinda draws a blank. They go through the whole "You wouldn't like me" thing. Lots of internalized transphobia. Dave says "Well, actually I have tits so jot that down" John is confused understandably. Dave explains himself and John is like "uhh,,, okay? I still want to kiss you" So Dave makes sure he's not kidding and they Kiss™. Just a little peck. Dave is still insecure and keeps making sure John Really for Sure 100% doesn't care that he's trans and they have another Feelings™ talk. 

 

They also realize they don't have much food so they sneak back into the camp and, sure why not, Willow makes sure they're okay and doesn't tell anyone they left. They do a bunch of Normal Camp Activities until the last day pops around. Turns out they live about two hours away from each other. They exchange phone numbers and addresses so they can write letters to each other. They're both kind of in love with each other. They visit the pond one last time before they go and have a bittersweet last kiss before they have to part ways. They both definitely cry on the way home. 

 

A few weeks after they leave camp, John receives a letter from Dave which is a little thicker than normal (they're normally at least 5 pages long). It contains a print of the first picture Dave took of John on the first day. John cries again, but happy tears this time. 

 

Boom, roll credits. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of this story was just me dealing with my internal struggle of being trans. It honestly helped a fair bit to type my feelings out in a creative way. I hope I was able to help some other people out as well. Thanks for reading (:


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